Motherhood – my look back

Today I’ve been reflecting on the last 15 years of motherhood…imperfect motherhood. 

I remember in the beginning, I was an unwed, terrified 19 year old.  I remember praying to God that he would show me the way and give direction to my life as a mom. 

Lesson:  Guess what…he did.  God came through, he’s cool like that.  He waiting patiently  for me, guiding me gently.   

I remember wanting to prove to everyone that I was a good mom, a capable mom… and frankly, that helped me make better decisions.  I didn’t want to fail my babies, myself, God, my husband. 

Lesson:  Whatever your reason, just do the right thing…then do the next right thing, and repeat.   Point your moral compass North, and walk that direction. 

I remember it was so hard to find a balance, find a place for Jeremy.  In the dawn of our life together,  we had 3 babies so close together and priorities got skewed and clouded.   The distance between him and I seemed so far apart, even sleeping next to him in the same bed.   Resentment and anger from unmet expectations filled the gap.  This wasn’t easy…marriage wasn’t easy…

Lesson:  Your husband chose YOU, out of 7 billion humans on this earth…he chose you to spend his life with, and care for him and his needs.  What an honor!  Take that job seriously, love him intentionally and  love him hard.  Tolerate his socks on the floor and his untouched honey-do list.  Make time for him.  Make time even when you would rather be curled up under the covers binge-watching Netflix.  ūüôā   

I remember calling on my friends…A LOT.  I vented.  I complained.  I cried.  I laughed.  I asked for so much advice. 

LESSON: Choose your tribe carefully.  Choose friends that truly see the big picture and want what’s best for you AND your marriage and family.  I am so fortunate to have the best friends and sisters-in-love that I do.  They encourage and bless me continually. 

My life today seems so far from what it was then.  There is so much growing up to do in your 20’s, and even faster if you’re a mother.  The kids don’t wait…they don’t wait until you have you life “together”, until your marriage is better, until you’re done “sowing your wild oats”.  They are there, every moment, seeking your love, your attention, your time, your best.

What a blessing it is to get to the other side of the hard.  I’m so thankful God saw us through the beginning and carried me when the weight was too heavy to bare.  Our life is not without trials,  however, it gets a whole lot easier when I give it up to God, and let him steer the ship instead of trying to make my own way while fighting the current.  He hasn’t failed me yet. ‚̧

Lessons from the Littles

“Mom, thanks for being the awesome-est Mom in the world.” blurted Karson from the back seat.
“Aww, buddy, I’m not sure I’m the most awesome Mom out there, but thank you!¬† What exactly do you think qualifies someone for that title?”
Karson sweetly replied, “You always love us every day, no matter what.¬† (insert exploding Momma-heart here ‚̧¬† )¬† And when you’re crabby or have done something wrong, you apologize and admit it.¬† And that’s really hard to do!¬† Most adults just go about their day not making it right.¬† Plus!¬† You won Miss Geniality!” (Miss Congeniality, Miss Teen NE Circa 1997)

You guys, kids are just the best, right?!¬† And why do some of the best, and hardest conversations happen in the car?¬† Because there’s no WiFi, and they are trapped in there, forced to communicate with you.¬† Fight or Flight just isn’t an option in a moving vehicle.¬† It’s a gift, really.

Who knew that when I asked my 10 year old what makes me the “awesome-est”, he would say that it’s¬†because I own up to my faults and apologize…¬† (I was so sure that my slick¬†dance moves and ability to rap Ice Ice Baby would make the list, but alas.)¬† That most adults don’t apologize, they just forget it and go about their day.
He knows how hard it is, because kids are forced by adults to own up to their mistakes and apologize.¬† He knows because he is expected by every adult to comply and to do what’s right or face the consequences.¬†¬†Friends, think about that.¬† What if we, as adults, were held to that high of a standard, as well.
Now, I am going to go on record here and say that I am definitely not perfect and that I make plenty of mistakes on the daily.¬† But, WOW.¬†¬†¬† What a great reminder that maybe it’s not about the chauffeuring from here to¬†there, the packing of organic lunches, the late nights whipping up a totally legit edible molecular-model that’s due in the morning, (come on science teachers, you’re¬†killin’ me!) or¬†overextending ourselves,¬†physically and mentally, at every turn that matters to the littles.

Maybe it’s much simpler than that.
Maybe teaching our children to make amends, by showing them that WE feel sorry, too, should make the top of our list.
Maybe it would make our children feel valued, feel respected, feel equal to the always-superior adults they have to deal with every. single. blessed. day.  How exhausting that must be for our kiddos.

This was one of those moments offered up to me from God, to see through the eyes of my child and peek into their pure-white, perfect¬†heart.¬† I’ve learned the older my children get, that I need to ask more questions and just listen…listen to the words of their heart make their way out into the universe, in a fleeting moment that came as fast as it went.

Sometimes all it takes is some perspective, gifted to you by someone (maybe even someone 1/3 of your age) to bring things into focus.

Thanks¬†buddy…Mommy sees you and hears you.

Love,
The Awesome-est Mom in the world